Mental health is a curious beast, sways like the ocean, coming and going. It’s interesting that despite these ebbs and flows mental health issues have a pretty bad rap. People with anxiety and depression are stigmatized and often labelled as too hard to deal with, over sensitive or problematic, and certainly there may be times when the truth is not too far away (I’m looking at you, puberty!). In an attempt to de stigmatize I thought I would share with you a positive side to mental health, something I would not have predicted for the life of me.
I saw once a meme and it referred to pessimistic people being pleasantly surprised when their negativity did not pan out, this was referred to as the ‘optimistic side of pessimism’. What a cool way of looking at something so frequently dismissed! I figured that if we applied this thinking to mental health issues in bulk then we may be able to lighten up a topic which is so frequently undermined as purely problematic.
I have made no secret of the fact that I really struggled with pregnancy, I was not the woman you see in magazines, cradling her small baby bump and gazing at it in adoration. I was Elizabeth Banks from What to Expect When You’re Expecting, exhausted, fat and with exceptionally minimal bladder control. One thing I prepared myself for, aside from the saggy titties and relentless screaming of a newborn, was the fact that I would most likely have mental health concerns following birth. I have anxiety and depression and have had both for years stemming from puberty when it hit full swing. During my early 20’s I received specialist help and started anti-depressants to combat intrusive thoughts and to curb the lows that flared up on a monthly basis.
Being realistic was key, it seems, because my anxiety over the fact I would most likely develop further depressive issues post birth actually prepared me for it more so than what would have happened if I did not take the time to really explore that possibility. I mentioned to quite a few people over the nine-and-a-half-month pregnancy that I was terrified of how I would cope, and my concern that I would effectively be a poor parent to my newborn because of this. In truth, my anxiety was so high that I stressed that I would be one of those few poor souls who become so overwhelmed that intrusive violent thoughts would enter my mind and I would snap, potentially doing something horrific.
It seems extreme, but these thoughts spun through my mind weekly, so petrified of this that I spoke with my mother about it, uttering words like ‘meltdown’ and ‘aggression’. My child had not even entered the world and I was so on edge that I would not – could not – let myself become attached due to those fears.
As it turned out, I had a few teary days, as all new mothers and parents do, and whilst it was hard in a ‘I’m never going to sleep again holy shit’ kind of way, I truly believe that my severe fears for those first months actually assisted me in curbing my own mental health decline. In a way I went into protective mode, I was so occupied with just keeping the newborn alive that I had minimal time to actually become depressed. In fact, I was surprised that despite the odd rocking in a corner moment, I had actually survived, and was surviving, in a relatively positive way.
Prior to Elijah’s birth and in the weeks following I had maternal child health services and my regular doctors express their concerns about my mental health due to my history of depression and anxiety, concerns for my wellbeing and obviously for that of my baby. Looking back I understand the need for medical professionals to be wary and to monitor closely mothers and fathers mental health during those times, but I feel that in my case having that history meant that I prepared for the worst and ended up in a healthy, normal space. The optimistic side of pessimism.
In the end my own anxiety had prepped me for the postnatal period, and after a pretty horrific birth (imagine being held down while you’re violently coming down from fentanyl, shaking like a meth addict and vomiting more than that chick from the exorcist), I was amazed at how quickly and effortlessly I took on the role of being a parent. I am unsure how this would help others, because the reality is that everyone is different, maybe if I had a relatively easy pregnancy would I have crumpled into a heap following the birth? Who knows? All I can say is that sometimes the fears our minds play out can actually act as a preventative for worse scenarios. Don’t give yourself a hard time for being scared of the potential issues, and don’t listen to fools that tell you that this is ‘the happiest time of your life’, because honestly, the whole thing is hard, you’re allowed to be scared – it might just save you.
For now, if you are expecting or thinking about having children, aside from social isolating due to COVID-19 running rampant throughout the country, enjoy the fact that you don’t have to suck in your gut. Embrace maternity leggings, they are amazing, and fart like the little happy elephant you are. Happier times await, you will get through this.
if you are experiencing mental health concerns and are pregnant please visit PANDA for support. You can also access Beyond Blue or speak with your doctor for general mental health concerns.